Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
TWENTY NINE
I have twenty nine profile views. And guaranteed 28 were me. but whoever was 29 thank you, hope you enjoyed it. I did.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring Break 2011
So what was looking to be an extremely boring spring break to be spent with the gassiest dog I ever met turned out to be anything but! Here I'll tell you what happened....
On a gorgeous day The Gas Machine and I went down to the river to walk on the trails. At the beginning of our trek a man on a bike was reading one of the hiking signs. From the back he looked hot, tall 6'3, broad shoulders, short dark hair. He must of heard us as we walked past because he turned and we locked eyes. Holy hell, this man wasn't hot, this man was sex!! Piercing green eyes, full kissable lips, a little 5 o'clock shadow creeping up on his smooth tan skin.
I was memorized, to the point of possibly having to change my pants. It wasn't until the Gas Master farted and startled me that I stopped staring. The sexy beast smiled and politely ignored what happened. I could only pray he knew it was the dog. Or was it? Anyway he asked if I knew how long the trail was. Either he was trying to make conversation because he found me equally as fuckable or he was illiterate. In my fantasy it's the former, however given the backwoods hick town I am in, the later isn't unlikely. I giggled saying I wasn't sure and that I didn't come here often. Basically the exact thing any sane adult would tell you not to say. Whatever I live my life on the edge, bitch. He laughed and said him neither, he wasn't from around here. "Thank God I thought, maybe he can read." I told him I was a student at the university near by. I know, shut up. I apologized for my lack of knowledge, said goodbye and walked away, shaking my ass while Farty McFartsAlot tooted out of his. 'Oh he wants it' I thought. Always good to leave them wanting more.
As we walked on I was eagerly waiting to hear the sound of his 10 speed coming up behind us. He would tell me he forgot to catch my name and that his name was Sex Sexenstein. He would hop off his bike and stroll with us along the trail having amazing conversation. We'd go out for drinks later. Dance, laugh, then go back to my place where I would lay there and he would pleasure me for hours and hours, then cook me breakfast and take me shopping. What? Go fuck yourself.
Shockingly however that did not happen and it started to get dark. In all my fantasical daydreaming I stopped paying attention and we became turned around on the trail, lost. Night fell and Smell-Mo and I were scared shitless. There is no service in Gods country of course so I could not phone for help. And then of-fucking course, it began to downpour. "Godscock!" I screamed and Tootsie and I started to book it. After getting fully drenched we hid under a big rock for shelter to wait it out. I thanked the gods that my fat ass decided to buy that rice krispy treat earlier at the gas station. Although I love animals more than the majority of my blood relatives, I need meat to survive. I was sure his owner would understand my predicament and not be too upset, after all I would be saving him money on air freshener.
So there Stinky and I huddled, shivering, wet, smelly praying to the God I don't believe in, for some kind of miracle to get us out of here alive, and with all of our limbs. As time passed, the rain got heavier, the lighting struck closer and the thunder grew louder. I said a silent apology for the "Godscock" remark and asked again for Him to save us. Sorry Japan, but I don't do rain.
After 4 hours (minutes) passed I made a mental list of all the things I was going to do if I made it out alive; buy a map, buy a compass, learn how to read a map, learn how to use a compass, shave my legs at least once a week, eat Subway everyday, buy a small video camera so next time this happens I can video myself a la 127 hours and become famous, buy that vibrator with the dolphin on it, eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, really stick to Weight Watchers this time....
Eventually SmellyMcSmellSmell stopped farting and thats when I knew our time on this earth was almost over. We tried and all I hoped for was that my water proof mascara would hold up and my Frizz-Ease serum was strong enough to keep the frizzies at bay so when they found my body I didn't look a COMPLETE fucking mess. I also wondered if I sucked in my stomach as I took my last breath if it would stay that way. I pulled my shirt off my shoulder and adjusted my tits just right then laid down to close my eyes for what may be the last time. After I said my final goodbyes to my loved ones and fuck yous too all the people I hate (that took another 4 minutes (hours)) I saw something.
Oh fuck I'm gonna get mauled by an animal, great. Wait no, maybe it's a person? But I dismissed it as a delusion, figment of my imagination trying to hold on just a little longer. As I continued to stare it was coming closer to me at an alarmingly fast rate, like they were flying!
Then it dawned on me; Yes! finally my werewolf/vampire as come to save me! The rain and darkness made it hard to see and I didn't recall vamps riding bikes often but oh well, it had to be! It wasn't until he was standing directly in front of me that I realized it wasn't my immortal love but that piece of sex from the beginning of my hike! At first I was disappointed it was not my undead lover coming to whisk me away and I debated ducking under the rock because if I am waiting this long I deserve a fucking vamp! But then I snapped out of it and leapt out from under the rock and waved my hands like I was trying to take off.
He skidded to a halt 'Here you are! I was looking for you!'
'Get the fuck out of here, no you weren't' I said.
He was clearly taken back by my remark. Which looking back I can understand. A frizzy haired, blacked eyed, soaking wet monster cursing you out when you've come to save her and her smelly pet, may not be the expected response. But hey I'm not like every girl, asshole!
'No I really was. When it started to rain and I got back to the parking lot I saw your car still there. After a little while when you didn't come back I got nervous and came to look for you.'
'So you know what car I drive? Are you like stalking my life or something? Creep.'
'Are you fucking kidding me? You're lost, in a downpour with a dog and you are cursing me out for coming to help you? Oh and by the way your make up is down your face and you look like shit.'
'Oh uhh okay. Um you're right. I'm sorry. Help me?' I am a sucker for men who curse me out.
Luckily, he smiled his sexy sex smile and told me to follow him. After a 25 (2) mile hike we arrived back at the parking lot. He walked me to my car and we put Stinky Pants in the back. I thanked him for the millionth time for coming to help me. 'No problem. Would you possibly want to get a drink sometime, maybe when you don't look like hell?'
I laughed, fucker, 'Sure that would be great. Here is my number.' I whipped out my personal business card. He took it and put it in his pocket and I turned to get into my car, but he grabbed my arm. I turned back and he pulled me to his rock hard body made for sex and kissed me. I was shocked at first but his lips were just as amazing as I had imagined. After a minute or so he pulled away, but I wasn't done yet. I began kissing him again and he picked me up and put me on the hood of my car and continued kissing me. It was so mind blowing that I blacked out and don't recall everything that happened but my pants were wet, and it wasn't from the rain.
It wasn't until Shithead started barking in the back that I realized it was probably time to go. He told me to call him when I got home safe and we could plan a date for the upcoming week. I thanked him again for saving my life and gave him a kiss goodbye. He walked off and I got in my car. As I started the car and put my seatbelt on I thought back on everything that just happened. "Holy fucking shit." I was backing out, fumbling around with my ipod while simultaneously trying to text my friend to tell her what just happened when I heard a thud. 'Ah shit' I thought and turned to see what I hit. When I didn't see anything I shrugged and kept going. 'Boom Ba Boom Thud AHH' 'Ugh Godscock, that didn't sound good.' I got out of the car and ran to look 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!' I screamed.
Lying there on the ground under my 2005 Hyundai Elantra was my sexy sex machine. 'Why!?' I yelled and ran to kneel down by his side.
'Cause you were texting and driving you fucking cunt!!'
'Oh, my bad. Don't worry though you are gonna be fine! I'll call for help!'
'No Nicole, don't bother. I can feel my life slipping away. I just want you to know coming to find you and kissing you in the rain was the greatest moment of my life. So when I die now, I'm going to die happy and it is all because of you.'
'Shut the fuck up you homo.'
And with that my sexy sex man biker was gone forever. I threw his body and bike in the river and the rain washed away any evidence.
On a gorgeous day The Gas Machine and I went down to the river to walk on the trails. At the beginning of our trek a man on a bike was reading one of the hiking signs. From the back he looked hot, tall 6'3, broad shoulders, short dark hair. He must of heard us as we walked past because he turned and we locked eyes. Holy hell, this man wasn't hot, this man was sex!! Piercing green eyes, full kissable lips, a little 5 o'clock shadow creeping up on his smooth tan skin.
I was memorized, to the point of possibly having to change my pants. It wasn't until the Gas Master farted and startled me that I stopped staring. The sexy beast smiled and politely ignored what happened. I could only pray he knew it was the dog. Or was it? Anyway he asked if I knew how long the trail was. Either he was trying to make conversation because he found me equally as fuckable or he was illiterate. In my fantasy it's the former, however given the backwoods hick town I am in, the later isn't unlikely. I giggled saying I wasn't sure and that I didn't come here often. Basically the exact thing any sane adult would tell you not to say. Whatever I live my life on the edge, bitch. He laughed and said him neither, he wasn't from around here. "Thank God I thought, maybe he can read." I told him I was a student at the university near by. I know, shut up. I apologized for my lack of knowledge, said goodbye and walked away, shaking my ass while Farty McFartsAlot tooted out of his. 'Oh he wants it' I thought. Always good to leave them wanting more.
As we walked on I was eagerly waiting to hear the sound of his 10 speed coming up behind us. He would tell me he forgot to catch my name and that his name was Sex Sexenstein. He would hop off his bike and stroll with us along the trail having amazing conversation. We'd go out for drinks later. Dance, laugh, then go back to my place where I would lay there and he would pleasure me for hours and hours, then cook me breakfast and take me shopping. What? Go fuck yourself.
Shockingly however that did not happen and it started to get dark. In all my fantasical daydreaming I stopped paying attention and we became turned around on the trail, lost. Night fell and Smell-Mo and I were scared shitless. There is no service in Gods country of course so I could not phone for help. And then of-fucking course, it began to downpour. "Godscock!" I screamed and Tootsie and I started to book it. After getting fully drenched we hid under a big rock for shelter to wait it out. I thanked the gods that my fat ass decided to buy that rice krispy treat earlier at the gas station. Although I love animals more than the majority of my blood relatives, I need meat to survive. I was sure his owner would understand my predicament and not be too upset, after all I would be saving him money on air freshener.
So there Stinky and I huddled, shivering, wet, smelly praying to the God I don't believe in, for some kind of miracle to get us out of here alive, and with all of our limbs. As time passed, the rain got heavier, the lighting struck closer and the thunder grew louder. I said a silent apology for the "Godscock" remark and asked again for Him to save us. Sorry Japan, but I don't do rain.
After 4 hours (minutes) passed I made a mental list of all the things I was going to do if I made it out alive; buy a map, buy a compass, learn how to read a map, learn how to use a compass, shave my legs at least once a week, eat Subway everyday, buy a small video camera so next time this happens I can video myself a la 127 hours and become famous, buy that vibrator with the dolphin on it, eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, really stick to Weight Watchers this time....
Eventually SmellyMcSmellSmell stopped farting and thats when I knew our time on this earth was almost over. We tried and all I hoped for was that my water proof mascara would hold up and my Frizz-Ease serum was strong enough to keep the frizzies at bay so when they found my body I didn't look a COMPLETE fucking mess. I also wondered if I sucked in my stomach as I took my last breath if it would stay that way. I pulled my shirt off my shoulder and adjusted my tits just right then laid down to close my eyes for what may be the last time. After I said my final goodbyes to my loved ones and fuck yous too all the people I hate (that took another 4 minutes (hours)) I saw something.
Oh fuck I'm gonna get mauled by an animal, great. Wait no, maybe it's a person? But I dismissed it as a delusion, figment of my imagination trying to hold on just a little longer. As I continued to stare it was coming closer to me at an alarmingly fast rate, like they were flying!
Then it dawned on me; Yes! finally my werewolf/vampire as come to save me! The rain and darkness made it hard to see and I didn't recall vamps riding bikes often but oh well, it had to be! It wasn't until he was standing directly in front of me that I realized it wasn't my immortal love but that piece of sex from the beginning of my hike! At first I was disappointed it was not my undead lover coming to whisk me away and I debated ducking under the rock because if I am waiting this long I deserve a fucking vamp! But then I snapped out of it and leapt out from under the rock and waved my hands like I was trying to take off.
He skidded to a halt 'Here you are! I was looking for you!'
'Get the fuck out of here, no you weren't' I said.
He was clearly taken back by my remark. Which looking back I can understand. A frizzy haired, blacked eyed, soaking wet monster cursing you out when you've come to save her and her smelly pet, may not be the expected response. But hey I'm not like every girl, asshole!
'No I really was. When it started to rain and I got back to the parking lot I saw your car still there. After a little while when you didn't come back I got nervous and came to look for you.'
'So you know what car I drive? Are you like stalking my life or something? Creep.'
'Are you fucking kidding me? You're lost, in a downpour with a dog and you are cursing me out for coming to help you? Oh and by the way your make up is down your face and you look like shit.'
'Oh uhh okay. Um you're right. I'm sorry. Help me?' I am a sucker for men who curse me out.
Luckily, he smiled his sexy sex smile and told me to follow him. After a 25 (2) mile hike we arrived back at the parking lot. He walked me to my car and we put Stinky Pants in the back. I thanked him for the millionth time for coming to help me. 'No problem. Would you possibly want to get a drink sometime, maybe when you don't look like hell?'
I laughed, fucker, 'Sure that would be great. Here is my number.' I whipped out my personal business card. He took it and put it in his pocket and I turned to get into my car, but he grabbed my arm. I turned back and he pulled me to his rock hard body made for sex and kissed me. I was shocked at first but his lips were just as amazing as I had imagined. After a minute or so he pulled away, but I wasn't done yet. I began kissing him again and he picked me up and put me on the hood of my car and continued kissing me. It was so mind blowing that I blacked out and don't recall everything that happened but my pants were wet, and it wasn't from the rain.
It wasn't until Shithead started barking in the back that I realized it was probably time to go. He told me to call him when I got home safe and we could plan a date for the upcoming week. I thanked him again for saving my life and gave him a kiss goodbye. He walked off and I got in my car. As I started the car and put my seatbelt on I thought back on everything that just happened. "Holy fucking shit." I was backing out, fumbling around with my ipod while simultaneously trying to text my friend to tell her what just happened when I heard a thud. 'Ah shit' I thought and turned to see what I hit. When I didn't see anything I shrugged and kept going. 'Boom Ba Boom Thud AHH' 'Ugh Godscock, that didn't sound good.' I got out of the car and ran to look 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!' I screamed.
Lying there on the ground under my 2005 Hyundai Elantra was my sexy sex machine. 'Why!?' I yelled and ran to kneel down by his side.
'Cause you were texting and driving you fucking cunt!!'
'Oh, my bad. Don't worry though you are gonna be fine! I'll call for help!'
'No Nicole, don't bother. I can feel my life slipping away. I just want you to know coming to find you and kissing you in the rain was the greatest moment of my life. So when I die now, I'm going to die happy and it is all because of you.'
'Shut the fuck up you homo.'
And with that my sexy sex man biker was gone forever. I threw his body and bike in the river and the rain washed away any evidence.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
spring break woo?!
it's spring break! yes!....no
nope. while my friends are in Ireland, the Bahamas, or just home, i'm sitting here in east bumblefuck doing nothing.
no i lied, im dog sitting. for a the worlds gasiest dog ever. ever. but hes cute, and hes company i guess. also helps that his owner is hot as shit. he has a girlfriend, naturally, but shes like 8 states away.
do i have stuff i should be doing? yes. am i doing it? no. instead i'm making online dating profiles. because not only am i not getting a golden tan and daiquiris hand delivered to me by Jose, i'm also painfully single. 'but how?! you're so gorgeous in your profile picture!' i know, i know shocking but true.
when people ask i blame the 64% to 36% female to male ratio at my southern baptist school; but is that the truth? maybe, maybe not.
and hey maybe this online thing won't be so bad. i mean 'hey sexy thing' 'your a hoty' 'bewtiful smile' are all compliments, just because they are misspelled and delivered by 32-45 year old divorced men who may or may not have all their teeth does not make them any less deserving, or does it?
nope. while my friends are in Ireland, the Bahamas, or just home, i'm sitting here in east bumblefuck doing nothing.
no i lied, im dog sitting. for a the worlds gasiest dog ever. ever. but hes cute, and hes company i guess. also helps that his owner is hot as shit. he has a girlfriend, naturally, but shes like 8 states away.
do i have stuff i should be doing? yes. am i doing it? no. instead i'm making online dating profiles. because not only am i not getting a golden tan and daiquiris hand delivered to me by Jose, i'm also painfully single. 'but how?! you're so gorgeous in your profile picture!' i know, i know shocking but true.
when people ask i blame the 64% to 36% female to male ratio at my southern baptist school; but is that the truth? maybe, maybe not.
and hey maybe this online thing won't be so bad. i mean 'hey sexy thing' 'your a hoty' 'bewtiful smile' are all compliments, just because they are misspelled and delivered by 32-45 year old divorced men who may or may not have all their teeth does not make them any less deserving, or does it?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Welcome to the neighborhood!
so i just heard my new neighbors fucking. thats nice. i was worried i wouldn't get to know them.
unfortunately i feel like their sex life might be lacking and thats a shame because they are a very young couple.
obviously i creepily listened by the wall once i realized what was going on. here are some things i noticed....
Kyle, it took you a little long to get that rhythm going, you may want to work on that. maybe put on some music. practice in your off time. perfect practice makes perfect!
Kim, i would hear some mumbling but speak up woman! tell him what you want! men aren't mind readers.
In the end there sounded like you synced up though. pretty typical moans. you might a been close Kyle, but I wasn't too convinced Kim, sorry.
Hopping in the shower after I don't think was necessary. I mean I know you are probably baptist and think premarital sex means you're going to hell, and well it does. So all the water in the world can't wash that filth off you, even if you use bleach, God can still smell it on you. So don't waste the water.
Anyway, I'm sure this was the first of many and really it can only get better. Don't worry I'll be here to coach you. Give pointers, feedback etc.
This is gonna be a awesome 'neighborship'. Welcome to the neighborhood!!
unfortunately i feel like their sex life might be lacking and thats a shame because they are a very young couple.
obviously i creepily listened by the wall once i realized what was going on. here are some things i noticed....
Kyle, it took you a little long to get that rhythm going, you may want to work on that. maybe put on some music. practice in your off time. perfect practice makes perfect!
Kim, i would hear some mumbling but speak up woman! tell him what you want! men aren't mind readers.
In the end there sounded like you synced up though. pretty typical moans. you might a been close Kyle, but I wasn't too convinced Kim, sorry.
Hopping in the shower after I don't think was necessary. I mean I know you are probably baptist and think premarital sex means you're going to hell, and well it does. So all the water in the world can't wash that filth off you, even if you use bleach, God can still smell it on you. So don't waste the water.
Anyway, I'm sure this was the first of many and really it can only get better. Don't worry I'll be here to coach you. Give pointers, feedback etc.
This is gonna be a awesome 'neighborship'. Welcome to the neighborhood!!
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